The Joy of Preassembled Cabinets

The Joy of pre-assembled cabinets.

3 hrs 45 mins… seems like a lifetime.

The tear in the cardboard box should have been a tip off… 4 months ago when I picked up the 30” wide vanity cabinet with molded ceramic sink and decorator faucet set. TWO-Piece COMBO…

Open the box this morning after breakfast… count to two… then figure out why there are about 6 other pieces…

Let me give you the detailed instructions before you try this at home.

1) remove the bathroom door. FAQ: Why? Answer: You KNEW the bath was too small to be comfortable when you bought the place, so get over it… the diagram shows the worker upside down reaching thru the bottom of something with a tool that looks like something your Ob-Gny roommate used for the finals at the lab… take the door off and enjoy the space.

2) gather tools. Listed on box:
variable speed drill and drill bits
Screwdrivers – Phillips and flathead (twins on daughter’s soccer team)
Level
Tape measure
Stud finder ( NO, the wall kind)
Wood shims
Clear silicone sealant
Faucet
Drain connections
Adjustable wrench
Lag bolts
“do not use plumber’s putty”??

They forgot to mention:

1 ½” screws
1/16” bit
1/8” bit
Countersink (nothing to do with counters or sinks)
2 ½” hole saw (if you saw a hole do you have two halves, which would make a hole?)
Bandaids
Elmers glue
Square
Saber saw ($79, asile 9) only necessary if you’re installing cabinet in existing construction. If you’re installing cabinet in new construction or house built before 1450 AD that has no baseboards you can skip this tool)
Pencil
Shopvac (unless you want to sleep alone tonight.)
Box of tampons ( wait till you figure this out!)

Step two: Remove cabinet from box.

The hole in the side is where the forklift missed the pallet and created a vent that will keep your cabinet from having that closed in smell…
It also explains why some other bloke returned the thing, and all the joints are loose, and the previously preassembled guts are now laying in the bottom of the box.

Count the pieces… anything after TWO will have to be re-installed.

The good news is that they have refined STAPLES down to one-legged creatures that are easily removed. Find a good place to start (a corner of the cabinet that still is somewhat intact, and begin. Pilot hole, clearance hole for the screw, countersink the holes, insert screw (not included) and tighten.
Two screws each joint until no pieces remain. Don’t install the cabilet bottom, yet.

If you install the bottom strip across the back of the cabinet, now you can remove it again, because this is not new construction… ugh.

Take a piece of paper and sketch the profile of the baseboard so you can cut that shape from the bottom back of the cabinet sides. (saber saw). Watch your fingers… or, if you’re not into Steven King moments, Don’t watch, but be careful,,,

Take the piece that you removed and re-install it far enough forward from the back that it will miss the pipes which are sticking up thru the floor from the old sink that you removed… ( was I supposed to tell you to remove the old sink first?? Come on now,, take some responsibility here…)

By now the cabinet should be assembled and pretty much be able to stand on it’s own. Lift it into place, and look to see if everything fits against the wall, the floor. This is where shims can be used, but it’s a whold ‘nother chapter… Let’s assume things are close.

Take the lagbolts, or 4” long decking screws, and run them in top the wall thru the top back panel of the cabinet. I like the long screws, because if you miss the stud you can pick up on something solid in the next room…

Next (existing construction) since the bottom was a loose piece when you opened the box, you can figure out how to cut holes for the pipes that are coming up thru the floor. This is where the 2 ½” hole saw comes in handy… if you’re anywhere near close, the ½ “ pipes will find the 2 ½” holes! Don’t glue or in any way fasten the floor of the cabinet… It’s not going anywhere, and you’ll probably drop tools down there and need to remove it anyway.

Step 3) install the countertop/sink. Put that silicone stuff all over the top edges of the cabinet. Plop the sinktop in place and wiggle it till it looks right. By tomorrow the glue will set and it’s secured.

Install faucets, drain, knobs, and test for leaks… details in sequel.

Safety note: faucet sets include many small parts in plastic bags. If you insist on opening the bags with your teeth please read chapter 16, “clearing the airway of shredded plastic). The Heimlich is tough when you’re alone…

Open the cabinet doors and clean all the dust, silicone, blood and debris from the cabinet. Place the box of tampons in front of the gaping holes where the pipes come thru… now they are hidden for life!

Now put away tools, trash, vacuum sawdust and open a beer… you want to be good and ready before you test for leaks.

Success.

Interesting reading:
Alan King, “Anyone who owns their own home deserves it”
Kurtz, “Do it yourself projects. And 104 OTHER ways to impress women”